The One Up!
On several occasions this year, I have been asked to speak to groups of women lawyers, generally mid-level associates and partners, in large, well-established law firms. Inevitably, my more formal presentation quickly morphs into a round-table discussion, in which the women lawyers openly talk about how they communicate differently than their male counterparts.
That there is a "male" and "female" style of conversing is now widely accepted. Noted Georgetown University linguist and professor, Deborah Tannen, has written several books about gender and communication styles (www.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/). In fact, you can find 10 titles by Tannen in your favorite on-line book store, her most well-known being Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work, and You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Tannen consistently writes that no one communication style is better—they are just different. Recognizing that those differences exist can make for a more harmonious workplace.
Among the differences Tannen describes, is the male tendency to "one-up." Conversations among men are all about hierarchy, Tannen writes, with the end goal for any male conversationalist to establish primacy. Women, on the other hand, use conversation to establish connections.
Last week I witnessed a perfect example of the "one-up" move. Late one afternoon, I was scheduled to speak to a group of approximately 80 new associates. I arrived for my presentation early and, hoping to gauge the energy level of my audience, snuck into the back of the hotel conference room, where three partners with the firm participated in a panel presentation on ethics. Throughout their presentation, brief video clips were shown which the partners then discussed.
One of the video clips addressed the difference between legal advice and business/personal advice and when a lawyer has an obligation to disclose that the issue discussed is outside the lawyer’s area of expertise. Believe it or not, the issue of whether a client is seeking legal or business/personal advice arises more times than you can imagine. Frequently lawyers believe they are providing business/personal advice while at the same time clients perceive they are hearing legal advice.
Two members of the panel, one male and one female, jousted on the issue. The male lawyer argued that it was essential for a disclaimer to be issued. The female lawyer responded that in certain circumstances such a disclaimer is absolutely absurd. She argued, "At the end of a business lunch in which a client and I have discussed a number of legal issues, my client suddenly switches subjects and asks what I think of the new Jimmy Choo shoes she opted to wear that day. You want me to issue a disclaimer that I am not offering legal advice about her shoes? You’ve got to be kidding!"
Back and forth they went for several minutes until finally the male lawyer said, "Well, of course, I’ve never been ask to offer advice on a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes." Everyone in the room laughed. The discussion came to a close. But, I couldn’t help suspect that the female lawyer felt that her very valid argument had just been summarily dismissed.
Women professionals need to be aware of, and prepared to respond to, a "one-up" move. I don’t think we need to reply to every one of them, but I wish the female partner had replied, "You haven’t? I’m surprised. You’d look great in his latest sling backs." Three little sentences and she would have been one-up!
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