Recently, New York Times Op-Ed Contributor Rand Richards Cooper sent an e-mail invite to a group of 45 friends for an evening of food, drink, and literature readings. In a piece printed by the newspaper last week, Cooper reported only 23 of his associates “bothered to respond,” despite the fact that Cooper sent a follow-up reminder e-mail. Cooper wrote about his experience last week in “It’s My Party, and You Have to Answer” (03/15/10).

 

In the days following publication of Cooper’s lament, the NYT received “letters” from numerous readers who sought to explain the fail-to-R.S.V.P. phenomenon.  Some readers chalked it all up to bad manners. Others suggested that in a world of Facebook “invitations,” many have forgotten what an invitation truly is. A real-world invitation “requests the pleasure of your company.” A Facebook invitation effectively publicizes an event.

 

I suspect that the vast majority of people who receive invitations today—of the electronic or paper kind—have never been taught the appropriate response to an invitation that bears the abbreviation R.S.V.P. Recipients of invitations should handwrite or e-mail the host/hostess immediately and either accept or express regrets that they will not be able to attend. Responses must be given as quickly as possible. They provide the host/hostess with a head count, knowledge that is necessary for planning adequate food and drink. Failing to respond is simply inappropriate.

 

In 1922, the doyenne of manners, Emily Post, wrote: Acceptances or regrets are always written. An engraved form to be filled in is vulgar—nothing could be in worse taste than to flaunt your popularity by announcing that it is impossible to answer your numerous invitations without the time-saving device of a printed blank. If you have a dozen or more invitations a day, if you have a hundred, hire a staff of secretaries if need be, but answer “by hand.”

 

Today, I’m certain Ms. Post would emphasize “but answer.”