Things You Need to Know

Business Etiquette

No Slap Rule

May 15, 2008

Some time, very early this year, I spoke to a group of Los Angeles lawyers on gender and communications issues. After the program, a mid-level associate, who just happened to be a woman, approached me and asked if she could describe a recent event. This was what had occurred:

Two mid-level associates, one female and one male, had attended a deposition training session facilitated by a firm partner, who happened to be male. During the course of the training session, and on three separate occasions, the male associate interrupted the female associate. After the third interruption, the female associate raised her hand as if to say “Stop” and said, “Hold on. You’ve interrupted me three times. I really need to make this point.”

Later in the day, the partner provided feedback to each of the associates separately. When he met with the female associate, he began the feedback session by saying, “You really bitch-slapped Joey, didn’t you?”

The associate who related this story was still upset about the incident, despite the fact that weeks had passed between the actual event and her telling of the story.

Recently, I facilitated a training session on gender and communications issues at another law firm. Throughout the course of the session, we discussed how a series of factors (our genetic make-up, the environment in which we are raised, the key messages people deliver to us throughout critical developmental periods) may forever impact how we as individuals hear or experience a particular event at work.

As part of the training session, I discussed the above scenario. You can only imagine how thoroughly astounded I was to hear at least two male participants argue that the mid-level associate had misinterpreted the comment. In their minds, the statement was intended to be a compliment. Any offense the female mid-level associate had taken was, in their opinion, misplaced.

The exchange was a real demonstration of the huge communication divides that continue to exist in offices around this country. It was also a real reminder of the need to keep some language out of the office altogether. In truth, whether or not the partner had intended to compliment the mid-level associate quickly became irrelevant. She was offended, and in fact, now questioned her fit within the culture of the firm.