Etiquette vs. Manners
I love all of my clients, and I like to believe that I love them all equally. But truth be told, I have a special affinity for working with interns, summer associates and new hires. Each time I meet with these groups, I am thoroughly charmed by the young people I encounter and their sincere inquisitiveness about how they can act as gentlemen and ladies in today’s world of work.
It’s with this in mind that you’ll understand how pleased I was last week to work with students at one of the nation’s leading law schools. We talked napkins. We talked silverware. We even talked about the wonderful persistence of chivalry. One student wanted to know whether it is ever appropriate for a gentleman at work to stand when a lady enters a room? Another asked whether a gentleman should step aside and allow a businesswoman to step off the office elevator first?
After my program delivery, one student took the questions regarding chivalry one step further. “How will the rules of etiquette change,” he wanted to know, “as members of the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender) community become more openly prevalent at work?’
The inquiry reminded me of Quentin Crisp, the English-born, American author of Manners from Heaven: a Divine Guide to Good Behaviour (1984). It’s been ages since I read Crisp’s “instructions for compassionate living,” yet I clearly remember at least one of the book’s messages.
Crisp wrote that the rules of “etiquette” and good “manners” are two very different things. The former, according to Crisp, can be traced all the way back to the court of Louis XIV. After the Sun King built the palace at Versailles and its attendant magnificent gardens, his advisors suggested limiting the number of guests who might sully the grounds. Eventually, they agreed to restrict attendance to those who possessed a ticket—or étiquette in French—and the palace distributed tickets only to those who exhibited the very best courtly behaviors. In other words, if you couldn’t minuet with the best of them, you probably didn’t stand a chance of setting foot in Versailles.
In contrast, Crisp maintained, good “manners” are all about inclusion. People who possess them constantly seek to ensure that that other’s needs are addressed. They attempt to help others feel comfortable in what might be an unfamiliar setting. Instead of dismissing someone who doesn’t know how to dance the minuet, the person with good manners offers to sit out the dance and share a conversation or a bite of food with the reluctant hoofer.
I like to encourage all of my program participants to know the formal rules of etiquette. But the classiest people of all are the ones that practice good manners.
comments powered by Disqus
